Vincent's Birthday
by Cap'n Pirate Monkey
Summary: Horrendously OOC and written by my 15-year-old self, so be warned. Vincent turns 30. He reacts in suitably overdramatic fashion. A party is thrown, and everything goes horribly wrong. Guest starring Donny Osmond.


Vincent's Birthday

BY TIO DINCHT

After yet another successful club night at his very own Goth-rock club, the inimitable 'Club Galian', Vincent Valentine awoke to the sound of his Wallace and Gromit alarm clock:

"Eh up, Gromit" it called cheerily, the small plastic figurines situated either side of the clock grinning endlessly "Fancy some cheese?"

"Hmph" he grunted, a single tuft of black hair marking his position on the pillow like a squirrel's tail. A shining metal claw fumbled its way out from under the blue blanket, groping blindly for the happily chiming clock, which was now blurting out its own rendition of the Wallace and Gromit theme tune. The tarnished metal talons eventually managed to shut the cheerily chirping thing up, one sharp claw invading the battery alcove and pulling one of the Duracell batteries loose. As the clock fell on its side with a loud crash, Vincent decided it was about time he woke up.

The tall man pulled himself into a sitting position, blinking his gritty red eyes slowly and rubbing his nose with his human hand. So, for a while, there he sat, swathed in an ocean of blue blanket (adorned with a pretty floral border) staring at the Joy Division poster thumb tacked above his bed, until suddenly, a peculiar feeling began to creep up on him. A feeling that he had forgotten something…

"Best check my calendar" he told himself, slipping on a pair of baby-blue slippers and padding lethargically towards the Page 3 calendar that hung on the back of his bedroom door. Below a semi-naked shot of a grinning Tifa Strife, holding two strategically placed Summon materias (Vincent had always known, deep in his heart that with a bosom that big she would easily make it in the fickle world of semi-nude modelling) he studied the tiny scrawls in the boxes for each day, checking them for today, the 15th of December. _'Have I missed Yuffie's birthday?'_  He asked himself. Then he dismissed this idea. If it was Yuffie's birthday today, then why hadn't the little ninja phoned him several thousand times this week to remind him? Relieved, he set about trying to translate the blurry scribbles into something vaguely legible.

"30th birthday" he read aloud. Great. He scolded himself mentally for not putting down such vital information as _whose _30th birthday it was. '_Oh well'_ Vincent dismissed, taking a stroll back over to his bed where he grabbed his hair comb and set about taming his rebellious black hair. _'Some poor so-and-so's reached middle age at last. I'm sure they don't need to be reminded'_

The comb hit a painful knot, and Vincent instinctively pulled the brush away. Staring between the vicious, glittery pink teeth, his red eyes widened. There was a grey hair trapped between the prongs like a thread of woven silver.

Then it hit him.

It was _his_ 30th birthday.

His mouth opened, formed a single syllable, and he let out a loud, ear-piercing yell:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  


-Cloud and Tifa are married, and own the Eight Heaven bar in Costa del Sol (seems like the pun of the 'Seventh Heaven' bar's name was lost on them) they now have a daughter, Jessie Aeris Strife. Originality never was their strong point. They keep Nanaki as a pet, although he constantly complains about the heat. Meanwhile, Barret lives with Marlene and his new wife Elmyra in the town of Corel, of which he is the Mayor. He spends all his time bickering with his helpers and planning new ways to turn that train into something useful, despite the fact that a small family of rather pretty birds have moved in.

 The insensitive brute. 

"How's the cake coming along, Tiffie?"

"We don't have any icing!" Tifa called back, dusting chocolate powder onto her apron.

Cloud considered this for a moment. Then, decisively, he called back "Use Bonjela then"

Tifa picked up the small tube of minty mouth ointment, squeezing the last of the Bonjela from the tube onto the cake so that, in messy but legible script, it read "Happy thirtieth, Vincent!" while their chronically hyperactive daughter Jessie leapt up and down tirelessly on the bouncy canvas of a director's chair that happened to be sitting in the corner of the kitchen.

"Great. Well, I've booked the entertainment and the venue. Now I just have to confirm the invitation" Cloud picked up the phone and dialled the number of Mayor Barret of Corel. The phone rang for a bit, before somebody on the other end roughly grabbed it and barked at an ear-splitting volume "Cid? That you?"

"No" Cloud corrected, rubbing his ear "This is Cloud"

"Oh" Barret sounded disappointed. His volume immediately dropped a few decibels "Well, whaddya want? I'm a busy guy, Cloud"

"Well" Cloud idly flicked the phone cord, much to the chagrin of the resting Nanaki, who shifted his head a little as the cord began to knock at his whiskers "It's Vincent's birthday today, and me and Tifa have organised a surprise party down at Mideel. We want all of AVALANCHE to be there…"

"All?" Barret interrupted "Duzzat mean that silly lil' Ninja freak's gonna be there? Cuz I ain't puttin' up with her crap all day"

It took Cloud a few seconds to work out that Barret was talking about Yuffie "Yeah, but don't worry, I've got her providing the entertainment, so you won't see her much, she'll be too busy rehearsing"

There was a pause "Entertainment?" Barret said doubtfully "What's she gonna do? Juggle materia, mebbe? Ah, hell…" there were retching sounds for a bit, then Barret returned "You ain't tellin' me the scrawny lil' brat's gonna strip?"

"No way!" Cloud seemed just as horrified at the prospect of Yuffie naked "She's in a rock band. I know Vincent's into that, so I figured he'd appreciate it"

"Oh…well, thank God fo' that!" Barret sighed, "Okay, I'll be there"

The phone was slammed down hard. Cloud held the receiver at arm's length until the echo had gone. Then, grabbing his address book, he began to work through the rest of the AVALANCHE ranks.

-Contrary to popular belief, Sephiroth is not dead, but was merely buried underneath the earth when the cave collapsed. Sephy is still alive, and living in a small cave with a man named Hector, who fell into the cave one day when looking for his pet rock. The only problem is, Hector happens to be the most boring individual on the Planet, and Sephiroth has taken to singing Bohemian Rhapsody over and over again, utilising the voices of that mysterious choir which always seem to start singing when he appears to help him with the 'Can you do the Fandango?' part.

"I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me" sang Sephiroth merrily, dancing around the small cave clutching an imaginary partner _"he's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this mon-stro-sity" _chorused the mysterious Sephiroth choir from their position in God-Knows-Where. Sephy continued to flounce around, the hem of his black skirt catching on the breeze he'd created and flying up in a distinctly Marilyn Monroe style. His floor length grey hair was neatly plaited (Sephy had long since accepted the curse of middle-age and as such had quit trying to fob off the colour of his hair as 'silver', finally admitting to himself and everyone else that he was grey as a mule) and his masamune, once a deadly weapon of death and destruction, now served as a handy trimming kit to keep those pesky split ends in check.

"Sephy!" called a familiarly monotone voice.

"Yes, Hector?" Sephy sighed, stopping mid-twirl. The Sephiroth choir also stopped, feeling a little put out. The presence of their voices was meant to scare people, to intimidate them, to strike them into submission. Not to attract silly little bald men. 

Hector's shining bald head poked round the corner, his black-rimmed Coke bottle specs glimmering in the light from Sephy's homemade torch (a piece of wood lit with a quick blast of Fire 3) Sephy hated Hector. He was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most boring man alive. He was so boring that, even if you went to the Midgan Library and changed every single word in every single book to 'boring', then proceeded to read every single book aloud in a boring monotone, you could not even begin to approach the level of boredom Hector instilled upon his surroundings.  

"Some guy called Cloud's on the phone for you" he held out the receiver.

"Cloud?" surprised, Sephy took the receiver from the little bald man, who scurried off to watch his pet rock. "Hello?"

"Hi, Seph" Cloud said cheerily, his voice slightly crackly "Wanna come to Vincent's 30th birthday celebration at Mideel?"

"Yeah, why not?" Sephy agreed, flushing with pride at the fact that he'd been invited, for the first time, to a party. "Can I bring my choir?" suddenly, his green Mako eyes narrowed in suspicion "Hey…why are you inviting me? I'm your worst enemy, remember? And…how the hell are you phoning me? I'm trapped in a cave, for Pete's sake!"

"For the purposes of this fic, you now have a phone" Cloud told him matter-of-factly "And why are you complaining? At least you're in this damn story! Do you know how many people have fobbed you off as dead? Do you know how many fics have replaced you with a new villain? You should be grateful!"

"Okay, okay" Sephy grumbled, "I just need to wash my hair. I'll be there" Replacing the imaginary receiver back in the imaginary cradle, he yelled at the top of his lungs "HECTOR!!!!! I'M TAKING A TRIP TO THE MAKO FOUNTAIN TO WASH MY HAIR!!!!!"

Unsurprisingly, the bald man couldn't hear him. He was too entranced in the watching of his rock. Not caring, Sephy stepped out of the cave entrance and made his way to the Mako fountain, unbinding his plait as he went.

Vincent cradled his head, weeping copiously. On looking in the mirror, he had been traumatised to discover several more grey strands polluting his beautiful, silky hair. His pride and joy was defiled, tainted, all because he'd reached thirty. He'd always hoped he'd die before now for this very reason.

_"_I'm thirty,"he told nobody-in-particular tearfully "I'm a has-been. In a couple of months, I'm gonna be one of those guys who has to drink mineral water and play squash to keep healthy"

As he sobbed, a small letter found its way through his letterbox. Landing on his doormat (A small blue square bearing the legend 'Oh no, not you again') the little manila envelope lay, stamped and addressed to Vincent Valentine.

Wiping his eyes, the tall, middle-aged man picked up the envelope. The postmark did not read 'Afghanistan' so he set about opening it, hoping it wasn't a birthday card.

It wasn't. What it was, was a small square of paper with letters cut out from a newspaper, arranged to spell out a message:

**VINCENT VALENTINE:**

BE IN MIDEEL BY 12:00, NOON 

"Great" Vincent sighed "Not only am I officially an old fart, I'm getting ransom notes"

For no other reason than that his greyness had driven him suicidal, he decided to go along.

 Everyone gathered excitedly in the centre of Mideel, each hiding behind rocks, trees, and various other things, including a cardboard cutout of Mideel's favourite pin-up, Donny Osmond. It was fast approaching midday, and Vincent would be here soon. All of AVALANCHE had turned up, and they were accompanied by the Turks, Palmer, Shera, Marlene, Elmyra and a displaced old woman who was currently muttering to herself about hanging her washing out.

"Ssh!" Cloud hissed above their excited muttering. He could see Vincent, slouched over, loping into the centre of Mideel. They watched as he cursed himself for stepping in a puddle of Lifestream, shaking his boot to rid it of the stagnant green liquid. 

"NOW!" Cloud yelled, and as Vincent leapt back in surprise, everyone else leapt up, yelling out "SURPRISE!" and throwing coloured streamers into the air. Vincent was shocked. In fact, Vincent was so shocked he promptly morphed into the Galian beast.

"Happy thirtieth, Vinny!" yelled Cait Sith through his bright green megaphone, the Mog beneath him leaping up and down like a polar bear on speed. 

"How the hell did you all get here?" the Galian beast asked incredulously, looking around in amazement.

"The same way you got here" Cloud shrugged, and suddenly Vincent realised that he had no idea how he had managed to get all the way from Lucrecia's Cave to Mideel in half an hour. Deciding that it was best not to pursue the matter, the Galian beast instead concentrated on looking suitably shocked.

Marlene crept up behind him, twanging a cone-shaped party hat atop the Galian beast's head. The elastic hit his chin, snapping into the beast's tough hide. It yelled in pain.

"Altogether now!" Tifa cheered, and everyone (including the Sephiroth choir) began to sing, a deafening roar so loud the Galian beast shoved both claws into its ears, cringing beneath the purple sparkly party hat. "FOOOOOOOOOOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FE-LLOW, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FE-LLOW, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FE-E-LLOW…."

"AND SO SAY ALL OF US!" finished the Sephiroth choir harmoniously, pleased to be singing something other than 'One Winged Angel' and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' for a change.

"And now, may we present, for your entertainment, THE SUNSHINE SLUTS!" Tifa yelled grandly, pointing to the stage, which up until now had been covered with shrubbery. As the disguise was lifted, it revealed Yuffie Kisaragi, clutching a bright pink electric guitar. On bass was Elena, her blonde hair fashioned into a rather crap Mohican. Drumming was Rude, his penchant for hitting things for no apparent reason proving useful at last. Yuffie grinned, and the Sunshine Sluts sprang into life, all tuneless screams and deafening, indistinguishable noise. 

"Isn't my girl just the best?" marvelled Reno, tapping his foot along to the (lack of) rhythm.

For the umpteenth time, the Galian beast cringed. And suddenly, as the song reached its screaming chorus, the ground began to rumble. At first, everyone thought it was only the bass reverberating off the floor. But, when the band stopped playing and the rumbling continued, it became apparent that the Lifestream was, once again, in total revolt.

"My God!" Nanaki yelled "It seems that Yuffie's singing is so dire, even the Planet can't stand it anymore!"

"Argh! Run for it!" yelled Reno, grabbing Yuffie's hand and pulling her away. Screaming, everyone else followed, pouring through the gates of Mideel like sand through an hourglass. The Galian beast, morphing back to Vincent, broke into a sprint for the exit, but as the last of the revellers made it through, a long green schism broke the earth in two, cutting off Vincent's only escape. As the steaming green Lifestream began to swallow up the earth, Vincent closed his eyes and sat down on the floor. Never before had being swallowed up by an earthquake seemed such an attractive prospect.

A minute later, the rumbling came to an abrupt halt. Opening his eyes, Vincent saw that everything around him had been smashed to a pulp and swallowed by the hungry tide of the Lifestream, except a tiny island, of which he appeared to be the only resident. Well…save for the rather frightening Donny Osmond cutout, grinning toothily. 

"Hi" Vincent attempted.

Donny Osmond merely offered him the same 'I-know-something-you-don't-know' grin and said nothing more.

Vincent sighed "Er, help?" he called hopefully, and was heartened to hear a small voice from behind him.

"Hello there!" it called.

Vincent grinned. At least he wasn't alone. Turning, the grin floundered, splashed for a bit, and then abruptly drowned. Sitting on the island with him was a small bald man with black-rimmed coke bottle glasses. He was holding a rock.

"Hello! My name's Hector!" he smiled cheerily "And this is my rock. His name is Rock"

Vincent looked skyward, and then collapsed into a heap, his black hair spreading around him like a pool of oil.

Hector frowned. "My, my" he tutted "Is that a grey hair I see? I used to have hair. It went grey at thirty, like yours. Then it fell out a month later"

Vincent began to cry.

"Never mind" Hector shook his head "Shall I tell you about Rock? He's not an ordinary rock, you see. He's a special rock. Like your hair, he contains three different shades of grey, and…"

THE END 

A NOTE: All characters, places, etc (Except Donny Osmond and Hector) are © of Square. Anybody who says otherwise is just lying. The Sunshine Sluts do exist, however they are not fronted by Yuffie, or any other FF character for that matter. Anyone who says otherwise is also a liar ^^ Also, they're rather good.

_By Tio Dincht, 5th-04-2002 TioRankP@hotmail.com (comments and reviews always welcome)_


End file.
